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Theres been quite a bit of fallout from the release of this book. Has that caused a further bit of reflection for you as its writing obviously did? I dont think so. Writing the book was a very good opportunity to stop and reflect, and the people who read it will see how self-critical Ive been. Theres a lot of things in there people wouldnt know because I wasnt open about it. I kept it to myself because it was close to my heart: whether it was what my family was going through at the time I took over the captaincy, all the stuff on Hughesy, which I still get so emotional about. Being able to write about it has done wonders for me and my mind, to be honest. I feel a lot more at ease and comfortable with everything now.Do you wish in hindsight you could have been more self-reflective when you played? I wish I smelt the roses more often. But in the same breath I think my dedication and focus was my greatest strength as well. I always wanted to try to become better and thats probably why I achieved what I did. Its hard to say whether I would change that, but smelling the roses is an important part of life. Its my personality - its just me and who I am. When it was close to my heart I kept it in and didnt talk about it.Maybe thats one of the criticisms Ive copped through my career that I completely accept, that I havent been as open as I could have been. Maybe if I was more open, the media or the public might have understood why I was angry in a press conference or why I was tired, or whatever else.You were very visible to the public and media but people felt they werent seeing your true self. I was brought up in the old-school way, where if you say nothing it will just fade away. But thats not how society works these days, especially the last half of my time playing cricket for Australia. It grows more legs because everyone has their say. If theres an issue, a question or a rumour, youve got to front it straightaway and be open and honest about it, and that I didnt do. I sat back and thought, Ill bite my tongue and cop the criticism and itll just fade away. Hence us eight years on still talking about Katto... for me personally I was done and had dealt with it the day after it. This is my story and my truth, obviously Simon feels differently and hes entitled to that. But from my perspective, it was done the next day.You mentioned press conferences - you talk specifically about the day before the Gabba Ashes Test in 2013 and why you were so terse that day, having a bad day physically but not wanting to let it slip? I dont have any excuses for the way I acted or what I said. The last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me through that period. But with more understanding people will be able to say, Oh now I get it.And that was the hardest thing with my injury as well. Anyone whos suffered with a bad back or chronic back problem, they understand the frustrations and pain that comes with that. Its not just affecting you, it expands to your partner, your family, your close friends.That day was an example of something else going on in my life that I wouldnt talk about. I didnt want the opposition, my team-mates, the media or the public to know how bad my back was at that time. I didnt want the team worrying about me or the opposition seeing a weakness, I didnt want to give them a sniff with anything. I didnt want that, so Id try to hold it in, but sometimes the frustration would build up enough for you to let it out in ways that you shouldnt - theyre not doing anything wrong, why are you taking it out on them?Off the back of that day, the whole 2013-14 period is viewed as very special by the members of that team. But as much as you were enjoying that, there was a power struggle off the field for control of the team? The last 12 months were probably the hardest part of my captaincy tenure, regarding how I thought the structure had changed so much that the role [of captaincy] wasnt suited to me anymore. I found that most difficult, but in regards to my enjoyment, that was there really until Phillip passed. Thats when I felt the game was never the same. I lost one of my best mates I loved travelling and playing cricket with. I also experienced fear for the first time in my career. Being a little kid growing up, everyone was bigger and stronger and bowled faster, but I was never scared of that. For the last two tours of my career I noticed that was there, the thought that you can die doing this. It was the first time that ever crept into my mind.During that period who did you confide in with those fears? No one. Its not like I didnt open up to the media or the public - I didnt open up to anyone. My family, my friends, my team-mates had no idea. In the West Indies, I think my team-mates would recognise I never went to dinner with them one night through that tour, but I was never the person during a Test match to do that anyway. A lot of the time I would have room service in preparation, because I knew I had to be up at 5am for treatment for my back while everyone else was sleeping. So me going to bed at 8.30pm was so I could get enough sleep to make sure my body recovered. But they still would have noticed not seeing me at all - every single night sitting in my hotel room watching Sons of Anarchy and eating the same room service. They would have noticed that, but I dont think they had any idea what I was going through. I hope they didnt, because that was my goal, to not show anybody. Kyly saw through what I was feeling, but I wasnt open about it. She was trying to talk to me about it and asking me why I wouldnt talk about it. It was my personality to close up and try to deal with it on my own.Theres a certain similarity in all this to Martin Crowes book Raw, in which he looks back very clear-eyed on his behaviour and obsession as a player. You two spoke quite a lot on the game? He was a great man. I didnt talk much to Crowey about what I was going through, but I spoke to him a lot through the back half of my career, whether it was by text or phone or when we saw each other. A lot of it was about batting, but also life as a professional cricketer. He was always very supportive and he watched my game from afar, on TV or online. He would look at things when I was batting and notice technical things that not too many people would notice and speak to me about that.Crowey respected my drive and ambition to be the best, he liked my style of captaincy and the aggressive approach to move the game forward. But I do also know he wanted the game to be played with the utmost respect and integrity, and piss off all sledging. The part of that Ill always remember was opening my big mouth on a couple of occasions, learning that its not what you say its what you do. If I had my time again, I wouldnt have opened my mouth with Jimmy Anderson and Dale Steyn.There was a lot of personal difficulty and family difficulty in your life, particularly in the year 2008 when you took on the vice-captaincy. Did that contribute to you closing up? It was more that I didnt want to show weakness. Probably 90% of my life was so public and I never expected that. I didnt know what came with playing cricket for Australia - I thought it was bat, bowl, field, go celebrate with my team-mates. I didnt know you were going to become a role model, I didnt know you had to do media every other day, I didnt know you had to do public speaking in front of 200 people at a corporate lunch, or go meet and greet so many Cricket Australia staff. So many things I learned in front of the camera. I had to learn in front of Australia and the world, and you make mistakes.I lived in this world where I wanted to be the best I could be - particularly taking over the captaincy at No. 5 in the world in Tests, that was unacceptable to me and I was like, Right, this train is going in this direction to take us back to No. 1, and anyone who didnt want to get on board was like a distraction. I was so focused on that and could have been a lot more caring and loving and listened more, especially to people close to me, to my team-mates. But I was so driven by success that I was going to knock down any wall to get there.Real walls or perceived walls? There were walls, there were real walls. Look at four players being dropped in India. Thats something that wont be spoken about - within two years we went from No. 5 in the world to No. 1 in the world. So something in that team was working. Making tough calls is leadership, whether its business, or sport or whatever it is. Some people like that decision because it helps them, some people dont like that decision because it doesnt. I was never scared of making that tough decision. I was happy with the accountability and thats why I accepted being captain. It might have cost me friendships or relationships, in this clear vision of how to get back to No. 1, but wasnt that my job? My role was to win games of cricket, and I dont apologise for the decisions we made. Youd love to be best mates with everyone, but I dont see any successful leader that has not stirred the pot or made decisions that have affected people. I played with maybe 100 different players. We heard from maybe three or four publicly - Id like to think theres another 96 players whose games got better under my leadership. There is a testy relationship with selectors over the course of your story. Even when youre dropped in 2005, you tell Ricky Ponting you want to hear it from him rather than a selector. Does the Australian system need changing? Ive only ever known the Australian system. Through my career I think it was pretty good. You know what youre going to get as a player. Picking the best XI with four or five selectors, everyones got a difference of opinion, but its your job, especially as the chairman, to select what you think is the best XI and back your judgement. As long as the communication is there with whoever the captain is, and the captain is as comfortable as he can be with the players that take the field - my mindset was the captain is always accountable if the team isnt performing - then things should work okay. I had that communication with Andrew Hilditch, with John Inverarity, with Rod Marsh. Whether youre a selector or not, you only have one vote out of five. Then not being a selector I dont feel I had any less say than when I was officially on the panel.So many young athletes, as you were, rush to get out of school and get the sport started. Do you think, where you are now, that youd have been a different person for finishing school and studying some more? I think if I had my daughter younger I would have been a lot different. Im a lot softer, more caring and more loving now than earlier in my life. My little girl has softened me like I wouldnt have believed. But that drive that I had and that vision I had is a big part of why I was lucky enough to get selected for Australia in the first place. Im proud of who I am. If you knew then what you know now, you would make some different decisions, but Im proud of how it all turned out. Im still mates with the same people I was when I was ten years old.The last chapter is called Obsessive and Compulsive. Some self-diagnosis to that. Have you heard from any psychology professionals about it? Ive had a number of different emails but I dont need someone to tell me. I know what it is, Ive known from a young age - Sundays were the day for mum to clean the house and my sister to clean her room, but mum never told me to clean mine because it was spotless. From the first time I packed my cricket bag or pack a suitcase to go on a holiday, my mum would pack my sisters bag and try to pack mine. Id say, No, I pack my own. I like my clothes folded a certain way. Ive known my whole life theres a little bit of that obsessive-compulsive there. But Ive tried to use it to help me. I love being organised, I love structure. I put a suit on today, this suits hanging on the coat hanger out of my wardrobe at 8.30pm last night, knowing Im going to wear it today. Thats who I am. 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